Tate Jawdat | February 7, 2011 |
Unnamed sources close to leaders of the Occupy DC protests have confirmed that protestors are amassing biological weapons containing neurotoxins to dispense at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). The neurotoxins would force each exposed participant to dampen the tip of his or her (most likely his) right index finger with his own saliva, then place that finger into his right ear and perform a swirling motion known as a “wet willie”. The duration of the toxin’s effects are unknown, but are estimated at about 10 to 15 seconds.
The biological weapons, known as Willie Gas, have gone through a series of successful human tests and one inadvertent phase of animal testing when the toxin was released near a flock of ducks at McPherson Square. Recounting the accidental release, one protestor stated, “The ducks were walking around and quacking and eating some stuff on the ground.” He reports that when the gas was released the ducks looked “totally stoned”. When he tried to offer assistance the ducks “kept running away”.
Protestors strategized how to get the approximately 50 large canisters containing the gas into the Marriott Wardman Hotel without drawing suspicion. Suggestions included the construction of a large bust of Ronald Reagan on wheels similar to the infamous Trojan Horse. The “Reagan Head” would be covered with paper resembling money to entice conservatives to wheel it into the hotel.
Protestors have also been participating in workshops on how best to infiltrate CPAC to release the toxin, including “Wingnuts and Bolts”, “How to Look and Act Rich”, “Gluttony 101”, “Stirring Racial Resentment for Political Gain”, “Mansplaining 101” and “Imitate a Ron Paul Supporter”. Training facilitators suggested protestors should “visualize shutting down the empathy center of your brain”, “work to convince yourself that you built and run the world”, “practice pretending that women and people of color don’t exist unless it is politically convenient” and “imagine conning and exploiting poor people for wealth and power while still being able to sleep at night”. If caught in conversations with actual Conservatives protestors were instructed to “just say the words ‘abortion, gay agenda, reverse racism, illegals, welfare or Obamacare’”.
Trainings also involved exercises such as stepping over a napping homeless person without looking down, collecting history books and ripping out the pages that reference the genocide of Native Americans and slavery, holding a $25,000-a-plate fundraising dinner for Mitt Romney outside of an area food bank and holding events for pregnant survivors of “honest rape” to celebrate their “gifts from God”.
In preparation, the protestors have been crafting disguises to fly under the radar of the Marriott Wardman Park security. The manager of a local thrift store described her experience with the protestors: “All these tall white guys with beards came in and bought up all of the sweater vests we had. When we didn’t have any more sweater vests on the rack they asked us to look in the back […] They really wanted sweater vests.” Other protestors have been tanning, eating meat for the first time in years and sporting flat-top haircuts.
Protestors who are not engaging in the action, planned for the last day of the conference, provided reasons for their absence to an embedded source. One protester lamented that they could not infiltrate because they were too “visibly queer” and would “stand out like a big gay thumb”. Several others refused after becoming physically ill at the trainings.
When asked for comment, an unidentified source from the American Conservative Union said, “It is probably those black…I mean blah people and the gays…and labor unions…and muslins (sic). Conservatives are an oppressed majority in this country.”
Ron Paul believes that the Civil War should not have been fought to end slavery and that the government should have bought the slaves and freed them. This belief is complete bullshit for countless reasons. Here are a few:
Abraham Lincoln was in support of paying off slave owners. “[Lincoln] always insisted that the emancipation of slaves should be compensated financially and should be voluntary.” This idea was explored and rejected by the southern states. http://www.mrlincolnandfreedom.org/inside.asp?ID=35&subjectID=3
Southern plantation owners were already very wealthy. In fact they wielded a great deal of power and influence back then. Which was precisely why northern states supported tariffs on products produced in the South to keep the Southern elite from expanding their power. *
The suggestion that the expansion of slavery would be prohibited in Western states was enough for slave states to secede from the Union once Lincoln was elected. Also, the South actually started the Civil War by attacking Fort Sumter. *
Free forced labor means guaranteed, continued profits as opposed to a one time pay out from the government (unless he was suggesting a payout to cover generations of economic losses from being unable to brutally exploit other humans.) *
The entire U.S. economic system was built and benefited (to varying degrees) from slave labor (especially the very wealthy slave owners) and is reflective of the exploitative nature of capitalism.
Rather than taking the stance against slavery, Ron Paul would rather the government validate the institution and reward its participants with cash payouts.
He must have been suggesting that the Federal Government “bail out” slave owners from business that was very profitable by “purchasing” approximately 4 million human beings. The government would never have been able to afford to purchase that many slaves from unwilling sellers. Also, the concept of the government actually owning people for any period of time should be abhorrent to libertarian sensibilities. *
The South fought the war to protect state’s rights – actually for one right – the right of the wealthy in Southern states to enslave other people.
I am pretty sure Ron Paul doesn’t support reparations for the slaves that the government was supposed to have purchased and then freed.
It is a convenient stance to take as a white man whose ancestors where much more likely to receive the payout. As Tommy Christopher of Mediaite.com points out “Sure, it’s reasonable if you’re one of the people doing the buying, selling, and “phasing out […] How long does Ron Paul think it would have taken to muster the political will to fund a slaveowner bailout that only benefited people who couldn’t even vote?” http://www.mediaite.com/tv/ghost-of-christmas-past-ron-paul-favored-federal-slaveowner-bailout-over-civil-war
As Avi Zenilman points out in this article “In March 1861, a few weeks before Lincoln’s inauguration, the newly-minted Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens explained that the new government rested “upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and normal condition.” ** Doesn’t sound like that guy had come around to the whole – ending slavery thing. Ron Paul’s argument ignores that the power balance in the South relied heavily on perpetuating white supremacy and racism as Tim Wise describes “In the mid-1800s, it meant Southern aristocracy convincing poor whites to ally with the cause of secession and the maintenance of slavery, even though the latter drove down the wages of all low-income whites, since they would have to charge for their labor, while black property could be made to work for free.” http://www.timwise.org/2003/10/collateral-damage-poor-whites-and-the-unintended-consequences-of-racial-privilege
Lincoln wasn’t as concerned with the enslavement of people as he was preventing the South from gaining even more economic and political power over the country.
Also…… Ron Paul is a lousy, jerk dickbag who completely ignores this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part1/1narr4.html
You know that crazy revisionist history you work from? And how you think the “founding fathers” were total dude brosephs? And how you are really just a Republican who likes to smoke pot - and support policies that disproportionately negatively impact the poor? Well.. you are an asshole.
What? Is it because you actively ignore anyone who is not male-identified? This is too much. Fuck you, red beard.
Oh really? You experienced reverse racism? Well, I rode a lactating unicorn over a rainbow and its milk turned into gold coins and diamonds. We landed on top of a T-Rex who was having a three way with Jesus and the tooth fairy. The end.
One more thing……..fuck you.
Red hair? Did you really just say that? That is, quite possibly, the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Please promise to never ever repeat that. No? Ok, well…. fuck you then.
So you are suggesting that we genocide-d them out of relevance? Ok, well…. fuck you then.